| So you are finally at the doctor's office after years | | | | cranky, bloated and empty-armed, you get around to |
| of unsuccessful copulating, seeking an answer with a | | | | making an appointment with that naturopath. |
| side of treatment. Admittedly it's been a relief to | | | | Two years and five months of forced copulation and |
| share with someone who's not going to run off and | | | | a diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility' have played |
| tell everyone you know your intimate secrets. | | | | havoc with your well-being - if anything, right now |
| Especially if it means your doctor is going to DO | | | | you are an unwell being. |
| something. | | | | Along with unexplained infertility you've developed an |
| The tests he sends you for are both embarrassing | | | | unexplained reluctance to go back to your doctor. |
| and painful but because they're going to shed | | | | IVF is pending and this may have something to do |
| fluorescent light on what ails you and your partner | | | | with it though you can't be sure. |
| you'll live with them, even welcome them. | | | | Every time you hear that combination of letters- |
| "You want me to put my feet, where..THERE, but | | | | I-V-F you go into a kind of dissociative fugue state. |
| they won't fit....auuuggghh!" | | | | The best you can do is deal with it as an abstract |
| "How long did you say the needle had to stay in?" | | | | theory, as something that happens to 'other people'. |
| "Do I get anaesthetic?" "It's been twenty-four hours | | | | Your partner thinks you suffer from 'NIMO' or 'Not in |
| - should I still be in this much pain?" are all pressing | | | | My Ovaries' syndrome and you suspect he may be |
| questions you find yourself asking the doctor, whilst | | | | right though it's not something you'd ever admit. |
| for your partner it's, "But how do I get it in there?" | | | | Before you can even get in to see the naturopath |
| and "Do you have anything else but scotch | | | | you have homework - called temperature charting. It |
| Penthouse?" | | | | is explained that this will give clues as to why you're |
| A couple of weeks later you're back, all anticipatory | | | | failing to conceive. |
| that they'll have found something and an indicated | | | | "But I have unexplained infertility," you bleat. |
| treatment will be offered. | | | | Regrettably, these days you often sound more like a |
| Your partner is the first to receive his results and has | | | | sheep than a woman. |
| to refrain from doing a Toyota 'Oh what a feeling' | | | | "Everything has an explanation," comes the measured |
| leap out of his chair at the news that his 'boys can | | | | human reply. |
| swim'. Whilst happy for him you realize that this must | | | | Well, charting a temperature can't be too painful, at |
| mean it's you with the problem and nervously await | | | | least it involves sticking a thermometer in your mouth |
| the verdict. | | | | as opposed to unspeakable instruments of torture in |
| It takes a while as there is much frowning, paper | | | | your pelvic region. |
| shuffling and throat clearing and mumbling on the part | | | | After weeks of waking in the morning at the same |
| of the doctor. | | | | time to take your temperature in a religious though |
| 'CHRIST,' you think, 'what's going on? Do I have a | | | | not godly manner, it is time to meet your naturopath. |
| whole range of fertility issues?" | | | | You slip the temperature chart into a plastic sleeve |
| Eventually, as if he suddenly remembers there is a | | | | and drive off. |
| couple sitting in his office and it is not, after all, time | | | | The 'clinic', whilst slightly alternative and rustic, |
| for a leisurely Sunday-morning-paper type-browse of | | | | manages to look professional and trustworthy. The |
| your notes, he looks up. | | | | naturopath, an unassuming gentle woman, ushers you |
| Both you and your partner stare at him, dry mouths | | | | in to her room. |
| slightly ajar. | | | | It is very reassuring to note the absence of steel |
| "I'm afraid," he says, and you nod, feeling quite afraid | | | | pointy objects and the smell you've come to think of |
| yourself. | | | | as Eau d'Anaesthetique. |
| "I'm afraid that you have what we refer to as...um.." | | | | "Let's see what you have for me," she says, and you |
| Your hands grip the chair and you lean forward. | | | | hand her the detailed history you've filled out, far |
| "It's ....er...UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY." | | | | more detailed than what you filled out at the |
| "What's that???" you demand an explanation. | | | | doctor's, and the chart. |
| "It happens to about one in ten couples." | | | | After a lengthy period of scrutiny, she beckons you |
| "What does?" | | | | to look at the chart. |
| "The unexplained infertility as I've just said. It means | | | | "From the history you've given, you've suffered for |
| basically that the tests didn't find anything untoward. | | | | years from dysmenhorrea and irregular menses and |
| Your tubes are clear, there's minimal endometriosis, | | | | looking at your charts, ovulation's coming in too late." |
| and you're ovulating very month." | | | | "Late for what?" you ask stupidly whilst attempting |
| You realize it's like the answer to a multiple choice | | | | to picture an irregular yet long-serving Prime Minister. |
| question - 'none of the above'. | | | | "Successful fertilization. What it means is that by the |
| "But are there other tests you can do, you know, | | | | time your eggs come out of the follicle they're too |
| something else...?" | | | | old so they're not going to make a good embryo." |
| "No those are the main ones we use." | | | | "That's it?" |
| "So what now?" | | | | "From what I can see, yes. And it's a common |
| "Well it's up to you." | | | | problem. Your irregularity and dysmenhorrea's never |
| "Up to me?" | | | | been treated." |
| "Yes, you have three options. We can do a course | | | | "C-can you actually treat it?" |
| of fertility drugs or we can try a cycle of IVF or we | | | | "Of course - there's a herbal formula for most things." |
| can do nothing." | | | | You can't believe it - suddenly you've gone from |
| Nothing, of course is out of the question, otherwise | | | | having unexplained infertility to having |
| you wouldn't BE here. But IVF???? Already? When | | | | unpronounceable and unspellable infertility. You feel |
| there's nothing discernibly wrong? | | | | like rejoicing. You share this with the naturopath. |
| "T-tell me about the f-fertility drugs," you stammer. | | | | "Ahh, that's where we need to speak of diet...no |
| "Well you take a course of Clomid which boosts | | | | alcohol is part of it. And no caffeine and you must |
| ovulation, producing more eggs so increasing your | | | | have blahblahblah vegetable proteins blahblahblah fish |
| chances of conception. But." | | | | oil blahblah.." |
| Why is there always a 'but'? "But what?" | | | | You're barely listening you're so happy. The whole |
| "You also increase your chances of multiple births." | | | | things is like an epiphany and you find yourself |
| "Oh, is that all." | | | | humming Louis Armstrong's 'What a Wonderful |
| "Yes, I just had to inform you so that you make an | | | | World.' |
| informed choice." | | | | The naturopath interrupts the bit about 'I see babies |
| "One more thing," you say after he's written a | | | | cry and watch them grow' to tell you that your |
| prescription and is holding it there in front of you like | | | | partner must also follow the strict pre-conception |
| he's a game show host and you're about to take 'the | | | | diet. This will not go down well but at this point |
| money or the box'. | | | | you're too joyful to care. Your partner's still in the |
| "How, if we have 'unexplained infertility', do you think | | | | middle stages of recovery from the stress of |
| this may work?" | | | | ejaculating into a small jar so to have to take on |
| "By boosting ovulation..." | | | | further challenges at this stage will be an enormous |
| "But you said I am ovulating." | | | | ask. |
| "As I said, you'll produce larger and more eggs which | | | | The naturopath takes leave to mix your batch of |
| increases your chances .." | | | | herbs - you are pleased to note they are individually |
| You and your partner leave the office, taking the | | | | tailored to your needs and not from a large imported |
| prescription and your unexplained infertility with you. | | | | vat that hails from a country where people are paid |
| That night you pour a glass of water and open the | | | | a dollar a day for their labour. Especially when you, |
| packet of pills. Opening your mouth you pop the pill | | | | the consumer, pay fifty dollars. |
| in, move it to the back of your tongue and take a | | | | The herbs leave a bitter taste in your mouth but |
| large gulp of water. | | | | nothing that can't be eradicated with the insertion of |
| There, you've swallowed it. | | | | a peppermint. |
| Dejection hardly describes the state you're in when, | | | | When all is said and done, the herbs, you find, are |
| after two rounds of fertility drugs that left you | | | | easy to swallow. |