| I was invited to participate on a parents panel as a | | | | important to give each other space so that these |
| donor egg recipient at the RESOLVE of the Bay | | | | discussions can be on-going and allowed to evolve, |
| State Donor Egg Conference held on Feb 7th in | | | | possibly revealing an option that you had thought at |
| Waltham, MA. It was an honor to have the | | | | one point was an impossibility. |
| opportunity to share my experiences and thoughts | | | | It may be that working with a professional at this |
| with the other panel members and conference | | | | point in the process could be useful. It is common |
| participants who are considering donor eggs as a | | | | that one person feels they aren't being heard and is |
| family-building option. | | | | not able to fully participate, fearing that they will be |
| Everyone has a different story, different | | | | steam-rolled into a decision if they shift their stand |
| perspective, and different reasons for making the | | | | even a little bit. |
| choices they did. | | | | Is the whole process of choosing an egg donor seem |
| As I drove away from the conference, I realized | | | | so foreign and strange to you? It certainly is |
| that I felt drained and had a slight headache. | | | | different, that's for sure. Here's a thought that I tried |
| Interesting.... I had felt fine all day. Could it have been | | | | to keep in mind myself. When we fall in love with |
| that talking so publicly, hearing others' stories and | | | | someone, our first questions aren't about their family |
| fielding the participants questions I was reminded of | | | | health issues, school marks or educational |
| the time when I was dealing with these same issues, | | | | achievements. We are married to people who have |
| same concerns with the same emotional exhaustion? | | | | diabetes, a family history of heart concerns or cancer |
| The questions from the participants reflected their | | | | in their family, or didn't have the best marks in school |
| personal situations, concerns and points of view. My | | | | and so on. |
| heart goes out to them. These decisions are so | | | | Life happens all around us and this is no different for |
| difficult and without any guarantees. It is not like | | | | the egg donors. There is no such person as a perfect |
| buying a car. You know you will always end up with a | | | | egg donor. Do your homework, find a great agency |
| car. You may not get the color you wanted but all | | | | who you like working with, and if you are motivated, |
| that seems inconsequential when compared to | | | | there will be a donor that will suit you. Before you |
| making fertility treatment decisions. You put all your | | | | choose your donor you might be thinking that |
| wishes and dreams into the donor egg or adoption | | | | anything is possible. After you choose a donor, you |
| decision but there is still a great part of the journey | | | | have in a sense put "all your eggs in one basket", so |
| left after making the decision. I got to the point that | | | | to speak. You may feel excited and relieved that you |
| I would dread the phone ringing, wondering what | | | | have made a decision and at the same time you may |
| news was coming my way. | | | | feel scared because you have a made a decision. It is |
| It must be bittersweet for the participants to hear | | | | no wonder they call it the "infertility roller coaster". |
| us speak about our stories, struggles and | | | | How much will you tell those around you? Does your |
| disappointments knowing that we eventually built our | | | | immediate family know or just a select few? Will you |
| family successfully. How many more people out there | | | | tell your child or children and if yes, when will the right |
| have their story with a different ending? | | | | time be? I heard something I had not heard before |
| It is difficult to make such a huge decision, facing the | | | | but it was profound - "privacy leads to secrecy." |
| unknown. There were a couple of great points made | | | | Family secrets like this can lead to the child having |
| at the conference. | | | | feelings of shame and may have a difficult time |
| It is important to really understand and get down into | | | | dealing with the situation when they find out about |
| the details of what being a parent means to you and | | | | their origin. |
| your partner. Naturally we think that starting a family | | | | The options that you are considering are all tough. Go |
| will be easy - isn't that what it is meant to be? We | | | | ahead with donor eggs, choose to go down the |
| may have our minds so firmly set that nothing else | | | | adoption road or decide to stay childless. Even as I |
| seems possible. Is the biological option the only way | | | | type this I am taken back to a time when I was |
| to get what you want? Sometimes these discussions | | | | considering these options and my heart still skips a |
| are not easy or pleasant but need to happen. It is | | | | beat. |