| "body"> | | | | mourning the absence of our own pregnancy, and |
| Recently that topic we're not supposed to mention | | | | that is something few people can truly understand |
| reared its ugly head during our monthly Infertility | | | | unless they've been there. Don't feel compelled to |
| Support Group. | | | | participate in every baby ritual if it makes you feel |
| "I've been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for | | | | uncomfortable. Better to skip the baby shower and |
| years and a coworker of mine who's not even | | | | do something for yourself than go, feel miserable, |
| married is having a baby. Why should she have one | | | | and make the mom-to-be feel uncomfortable too. |
| before me? Is it wrong to feel jealous?" | | | | When I was going through the local baby boom, |
| Jealousy. We're not supposed to admit to feeling it. | | | | several of my friends knew about my own health |
| It's not "nice." But the truth is, everyone feels | | | | problems and so there were times when I could just |
| jealous, and when you're having problems conceiving, | | | | say, "You know, I don't feel like I can do the baby |
| that jealousy can strike every time someone you | | | | shower today. Why don't we do coffee together |
| know has good news to share about the patter of | | | | one day next week?" |
| tiny feet. | | | | Although jealousy itself is natural and even to be |
| When I was a graduate student, studying infertility | | | | expected in these cases, when I do see it becoming |
| and learning of my own reproductive problems, within | | | | a problem is when we use it to make judgments |
| the space of a few months, my sister, four good | | | | against the woman who is pregnant. "She's not even |
| friends and a coworker all became pregnant. While I | | | | married." "I'd make a much better mom that she will |
| was happy for them, it also felt as if everywhere I | | | | be." "She can't afford a baby the way I could." "She |
| turned, I was being reminded. Baby showers. Baby | | | | already has five kids." Now you're looking for ways |
| talk. Ever growing bellies. Even though I was not | | | | to attack the character of the other woman, and |
| seeking to get pregnant at that particular time, it still | | | | that's not ok. Anger is a natural part of the infertility |
| was difficult, and I remember collapsing into my | | | | process. Unfortunately, we end up not knowing |
| fiancé's arms one evening after visiting | | | | where to direct that anger - we blame ourselves for |
| friends, telling him, "I can't give you that. Find | | | | being unable to do what everyone else seemingly |
| someone who can." | | | | does so easily; we blame those around us, and we |
| Now, seven years later, I have a beautiful niece, plus | | | | can direct a lot of anger at those who succeed in |
| a goddaughter and several other wonderful children | | | | getting pregnant. No matter how much we try to |
| that we see regularly. The jealousy has long gone. | | | | justify that to ourselves, ("She has too many kids |
| How do we deal with jealousy though? When every | | | | already." "She's getting divorced.") the rational side of |
| one around us is talking babies, how do we cope? | | | | us knows that that's not fair, and that directing anger |
| First of all, don't feel guilty about feeling jealous. Then | | | | and jealousy towards them won't make us get |
| you've started a whole cycle of feeling bad and | | | | pregnant any sooner. |
| before you know it, you're beating yourself up | | | | So to sum up, what do we do when the green-eyed |
| emotionally and feeling ten times worse. It's natural | | | | monster comes knocking at our door? Accept it. It's |
| to feel jealous. It doesn't mean you wish the | | | | ok, as long as we use it productively. Use it to take |
| pregnant woman ill. It just means you're mourning for | | | | time for yourself, use it as a chance to think about |
| yourself and wishing you had something you don't | | | | where you are in your pursuit of pregnancy. Just |
| right now, which brings me to my next point.... | | | | don't let it eat away at and destroy yourself, and |
| Allow yourself time to mourn, because like it or not, | | | | your relationships with those around you. |
| that's what most of us are doing in this case. We're | | | | |